i am what i am

A while back, I shared with you all that I was going to use video to examine myself. Apparently, some other people like my idea -- check out this post of a friend of a friend -- The Permanent New Girl. Her blog provides a raw look at what it's like to be a smart, single, funny 20-something woman in NYC and the joys, trials, and tribulations of being too hot for your own good.

I, on the other hand, am a different kind of woman.

The last time I posted up a video, I was reluctant to share with you all what I learned about myself. Well, I'll share a secret with you all -- after watching that boring video of myself staring intently at the computer screen, one thing I "discovered" about myself is that I'm not as bad-looking as I thought I was. (It's okay if you've come to a different conclusion.) After viewing that video clip the night I took it, I felt a little giddy, believing that I was actually a "good-looking" girl.

So, imagine my deep disappointment, even horror, when I viewed the following video (7 minutes long).



True, it was an extremely busy week, and I was coming home late every night, and the only thing on my mind was eating good food and getting my fill of little pleasures like Fortune magazine, so I could go to bed happy only to wake up early the next day to continue the cycle.

Here are some things that I learned about myself after watching this video clip:
(1) I look like a sad and pathetic old woman.
(2) I eat in the same terrible posture my dad does when he eats. I always felt sad for him, and now I look just as sad.
(3) Why do I eat and read at the same time? I should not multi-task so much and should sit upright!
(4) My hair looks awful.
(5) Why am I eating with a plastic fork? I never eat with a plastic fork. I'm holding it weird.

As a result of this video, I actually made a conscious decision to be more present in everything I did. I decided that when I ate, I would eat only and savor the flavors and the views around me. When I read a magazine, I would do that only. One night, I came home from work, changed into my comfy home-clothes, and just read a magazine while reclining on my couch. It was the most amazing, relaxing sensation I had felt in a long time. I decided to carry this further by cleaning out extraneous distractions in my life, in general.

Another thing that changed since then is that I decided to start trying to look more attractive, which really meant making my face look better through make-up. Nevermind the fact that this video was recorded after I had taken a shower and that I would have no need to look attractive with make-up. I was going to go on a quest to figure out how to bring out my eyes more, look more youthful with color in my pale dull skin, and not look so sad, if that's possible.

So I made a couple trips to Target and Sephora to buy concealers to cover my dark circles, some new eyeshadow and brushes. I went online to order an ionic hair dryer to get that hair salon shine and body that my limp hair needed. (And it was about time that I got a hair dryer at all!) And, of course, I went back to watching numerous YouTube tutorials on applying makeup.

After one week of experimenting with my new makeup products and techniques, I kind of missed my usual washed-out-looking but natural self. Okay, it was my new foundation that did it - it was too yellow and I felt like I had a fake tan or something.

Also, I broke my no-eating-and-reading rule. It's always been one of my favorite things to do, having grown up reading the Los Angeles Times as I ate breakfast, and I just can't give that up.

So things are kind of back to the way they were - however, I'm a couple hundred dollars poorer. Really, though, I am thankful that I decided to change things up. Now when I eat and read, I don't read the whole time I'm eating and just give myself more room to breathe, lift my head like a proper human being professional, and enjoy the food more. Now when I get ready for work, I actually add a bit of eyeliner and concealer, but skip the funky foundation and primer and multiple shades of eyeshadow that take me a half-an-hour to apply. And then there is never too much simplifying in my life -- the less activities and tasks I expect myself to do, the better it is for me right now.

When I revisited this video to write this post, I actually felt less repulsed than I did the first time. I enjoyed watching this video much in the way I enjoy watching an animal eat its food, completely oblivious to the human viewer's judgment of its strange mannerisms. For me, watching an animal eat somehow makes it seem somewhat vulnerable -- you feel slightly sorry for it but also intrigued (maybe because you feel like a lion predator lurking over its unaware prey...who knows.) Also, the weird thing about watching animals is that you are pretty sure that nothing exciting is going to happen, but you still watch to wait for those small surprises -- perhaps some overexuberant chewing, weird postures, pauses...

Anyways, I think I'm a likable animal.