Your Hands

This week was really hard. All around - personally, at work.

Things were going well...and they are still. But lately, I've felt much disappointment and longing in some of my friendships to the point where I can't hide it anymore.

I long for human connection, but am sometimes so hurt by it, whether it be from from the insensitivity of it, the withholding of it, or it not being the way that I had hoped, to the point where it takes all of me to still put myself out there and I just can't.

But I see how necessary it is for me to experience the ache of putting others before myself, to sacrifice, to let things go, and to do it all with a joyful heart. I see more clearly how oblivious I'd been to that same grace shown towards me, and I am thankful for this process, and especially God's faithfulness, as much as it hurts. Knowing this has helped me keep it together.

However, I am just as grateful, if not more, for last night, when, at a very dark moment, I received an e-mail from my sister checking in with me and telling me that many times when she heard this song, she thought of me, and wanted to share it with me.

And I was finally able to cry.

know that you'll be back for more

This morning I woke up feeling my abs, thighs, and shoulders for the first time in a while. Although it hurt, it felt good, too. I was encouraged that my first workout session with my Gold's Gym personal trainer was paying off.

I signed up with Gold's just before the holidays to take advantage of the year-end promotions and to try to set up a healthy alternative to my running routine, which has increasingly aggravated my knee pain in the last few months.

This is my first time joining a gym, and I have been easily amused by Gold's motivational mottos hung around the space. As I change my pants in the locker room, I notice one that says, "If it hurts to tie your shoes, you know you're doing something right." Right above the handle of the door that exits from the gym, you're warned with, "Know that you'll be back for more tomorrow."

Although I snickered and wanted to brush it off as a gimmick, I sincerely asked myself yesterday, as I exited the door:

"Will I be coming back for more?"

Yesterday's PT session was hard, as well as embarrassing with my frequent grunting and grimacing (oftentimes, the PT would say, "Your face says everything - we're doing a good job here..."). But I have to admit that I found it very meditative to do bicep curls as I ever so slowly lowered those dumbbells on each rep, and found myself feeling at peace with the aching in my muscles that I was imposing on myself. And as much as I hated doing the other exercises, it was fun to do different activities and try to win the approval of my PT. It's amazing how much my people-pleasing nature accomplishes.


Yes, I think I will be coming back for more.


And the motto came back to me as I woke up this New Year's Day morning with the sore muscles, and the uncomfortable task of greeting my parents this New Year's Day with the news of the break-up, and facing yet another year at a job that I was not crazy about, another year of not having finished my music album, another year of not knowing what the hell I want to do with myself. However, I knew deep down that I was going to "come back for more". . . more challenges, more misfortunes, more opportunity, more risk-taking, more love, more frustration, more joy, more work, more of this thing I call "my life."

And it's all good.