Today at work, I opened up my Windows Media player and found that all my saved music on my C drive was gone and then remembered that I got a new CPU installed for my workstation. Desperate for some music to break up the deadening silence in my office, I searched through my Gmail accounts for e-mails with mp3's.
In doing so, I stumbled upon some old e-mails between myself and my boyfriend at the time. At first, I purposely searched for e-mails from my ex, knowing that he had sent me a couple of songs, but what was unexpected was getting glimpses of affectionate exchanges between him and myself. While scrolling through the e-mails, I saw the phrase, "hey cutie," and started getting goosebumps and wanted to barf. Also, I assumed that it was him calling me that, but, uh, no...it was actually me calling him that. Really? Oh man...*blush*
Here's another e-mail that made me blush at first from embarrassment, but kind of gave me a smile, just remembering the unabashed cheesiness and abandonment with which my ex wrote and interacted with people.
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new music 1: hot thang
here's one song, from Talib Kweli--a brilliant lyracist. arjun thought the words were, "you gotta suck my life," but eugene corrected him, pointing out that the refrain is, "you got sumthin' i like."
carolyn, you got something i like,
[his name]
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Another "fun" thing about remembering ex-es is remembering their music tastes. Most of the other guys I had dated were more indie rock types. This last one was anti-hipster, -indie music, which I always respected but also found amusing. One ex did ruin some songs for me, but I'm happy to say that this one didn't ruin this song for me.
Not to sound cliched, but I just find it funny how in the early stages of a relationship, you and the person you're dating do these ridiculous, incriminating things that you normally wouldn't do like write mini-odes to each other; start calling each other pet names that you'd never thought you'd hear yourself using; and start making premature plans for the future... And then *poof,* you find out you're not compatible, or one person doesn't think it's going to work anymore, and they're totally out of your life.
I've been thinking about some of my past relationships lately and have noticed somewhat of a pattern. In all but one relationship, I was broken up with. I'm not sharing this to win pity points from you all. To me, it's always been a testament to the fickleness of mutual attraction. The boy goes after the girl really hard, he gets her, then he dumps her. The End. I always believed that once the then-boyfriend got to know me, it depressed him how much work it required to deal with my neuroses and he wanted to escape while he could. In some other cases, I think the person realized that I wasn't that into him but was open to trying things out anyway, and then he decided to end it.
Now, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm done with "just going with the flow" and will painstakingly dissect and try to understand what's going on with the guy and myself before I jump into anything and start doing stupid romantic baby-talk with him. Despite my parents' and co-workers' consistent questioning (in the case of my parents, begging), I'm not looking forward to entering a relationship anytime soon, although I certainly want to be in a happy relationship one day.
Maybe I believe that at the end of the day, you're always going to be disappointed with the other person. While I will make the most of it and will stick it through, I will be at the mercy of the other party who may end it for whatever reason. I guess I'm not ready to go through such beatings again and I like dating myself more than anyone else.
I've been talking to a number of guy friends lately who've confided in me that they felt bad about breaking up with their ex-girlfriends and just hoped that she was okay now. I've wanted to tell them that I've been in the same position as their ex-girlfriends and can confidently say that it probably hurt her a lot when she was broken up with; but man, after how many years now, I'm sure she's fine. I don't know how, but God has gifted me and many women a great ability to move on and find happiness and joy elsewhere. Yes, once in a while I'll run into an e-mail or song that reminds of me an ex, but every time, after some thought, I always think to myself, "Thank God he broke up with me; I probably wouldn't have...and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now."
I do believe that things work out for the best.
3 comments:
I recently went through some old emails and found some from an ex, and I was completely horrified. Those mails were filled with "baby" and "cutie" and "sweetie" and I am so not the kind of person that says stuff like that. It was painful and shocking to read, but I guess it stands as a testament to how strongly I felt about him at the time. We're still friends now, so it worked out, but I can't imagine me ever being so lovey that I said the things I said. It's just not my style now, but maybe it was then. Maybe it will be again? Who knows...
I feel that nobody is proud of using those words, but I've definitely caught myself saying "honey." *shudder*
I liked the part about the boyfriends' guilt after breaking up with the girls. On the one hand it's nice that they care, on the other it's kind of self-centered that they think breaking up with a girl may in fact make her not OK for life. Just about all of my ex's are married, which is a sobering thought.
yeah, i just went through some old emails from an ex. they're littered with "baby" and "sweet buns" and "hot bod" and "porn star." it's amazing how i used to just accept it without questioning whether or not they had any correlation to reality. things really do change...
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