giving up is not an option

After watching my orchid plant lose all of its flowers and its stem turn brown for a while, I needed to decide whether I was going to put more effort into keeping it alive, or let it die, and act immediately.

I decided to save it, which meant doing some research and later de-potting the plant and airing out what I later discovered were some overwatered and now rotting roots that were unable to absorb the water the plant needed.

Coincidentally, I was doing some de-potting in my personal life. Not surprisingly, just as I was approaching my fourth week of non-stop briefing for work, I was feeling stressed, frustrated, and like I was going to die if something didn't change. I was depressed and anxious. This was nothing new. I already knew that my job didn't fulfill me, and that I ultimately want to do film and music, or "art" full-time. But there were deeper issues I had to confront, like the painful question or statement (depending on how you viewed it), "Carolyn, you are almost 30 years old; when are you going to stop waiting to live your life, and just live it?" I, of course, revisited the cliched dilemma of balancing your dreams with the need to make a living; but I knew there was something more uncomfortable at the core underlying this.

What did I really believe about myself? What I had to face was the possibility that I thought I didn't have the talent worthwhile to sacrifice the security I have in my job now. While I whine about how my job doesn't allow me to follow my dreams, I may be the one that's stopping me.

How was this informed by my experiences with my family? There is no denying that my parents have emphasized to me that I am not talented enough to do anything more with my crafts except to keep them as hobbies. Although a futile exercise, I sometimes fantasize what it would feel like to have parents that believed in me in something I felt so strongly about. How I wished I wouldn't be so afraid of failing.

It hurts to recognize these things, but I know it's necessary to just lay it out there, exposed, raw, if I'm going to be able to receive anything good out of life.

And I must act immediately - I can't lie to myself anymore. And I must try to revive the person I want to be that I may have been neglecting for some while. So, on the upside, I am not waiting anymore to make films again. I have started researching on and am making plans to make movies in the near future...


To be continued...

pining

Movies like this fan my desire to make a simple, charming low-budget film.


This stars Justin Rice, the frontman of the band Bishop Allen, and also the lead in "Mutual Appreciation," a film by Andrew Bujalski. Bujalski's films, too, have given me hope that I can maybe one day make an interesting film with "limited resources" (i.e., non-professional cast members played by his friends) and a non-traditional narrative style.

Since we're on the topic of great indie films, "The Motel," directed by Michael Kang, is another movie that I've been meaning to see but haven't had a chance yet (since it was a limited release). Before I started law school, I actually interviewed to be a script reader for Sundance, and my "test" was to read two scripts, analyze them, and determine which script was better suited for Sundance. "The Motel" was one of the assigned scripts and I couldn't put it down. I got the gig, but unfortunately, I couldn't be a regular script reader while going to school outside of Los Angeles; so I turned it down. I was so thrilled later to see the script come to fruition into this film.

One day, one day...