i am what i am

A while back, I shared with you all that I was going to use video to examine myself. Apparently, some other people like my idea -- check out this post of a friend of a friend -- The Permanent New Girl. Her blog provides a raw look at what it's like to be a smart, single, funny 20-something woman in NYC and the joys, trials, and tribulations of being too hot for your own good.

I, on the other hand, am a different kind of woman.

The last time I posted up a video, I was reluctant to share with you all what I learned about myself. Well, I'll share a secret with you all -- after watching that boring video of myself staring intently at the computer screen, one thing I "discovered" about myself is that I'm not as bad-looking as I thought I was. (It's okay if you've come to a different conclusion.) After viewing that video clip the night I took it, I felt a little giddy, believing that I was actually a "good-looking" girl.

So, imagine my deep disappointment, even horror, when I viewed the following video (7 minutes long).



True, it was an extremely busy week, and I was coming home late every night, and the only thing on my mind was eating good food and getting my fill of little pleasures like Fortune magazine, so I could go to bed happy only to wake up early the next day to continue the cycle.

Here are some things that I learned about myself after watching this video clip:
(1) I look like a sad and pathetic old woman.
(2) I eat in the same terrible posture my dad does when he eats. I always felt sad for him, and now I look just as sad.
(3) Why do I eat and read at the same time? I should not multi-task so much and should sit upright!
(4) My hair looks awful.
(5) Why am I eating with a plastic fork? I never eat with a plastic fork. I'm holding it weird.

As a result of this video, I actually made a conscious decision to be more present in everything I did. I decided that when I ate, I would eat only and savor the flavors and the views around me. When I read a magazine, I would do that only. One night, I came home from work, changed into my comfy home-clothes, and just read a magazine while reclining on my couch. It was the most amazing, relaxing sensation I had felt in a long time. I decided to carry this further by cleaning out extraneous distractions in my life, in general.

Another thing that changed since then is that I decided to start trying to look more attractive, which really meant making my face look better through make-up. Nevermind the fact that this video was recorded after I had taken a shower and that I would have no need to look attractive with make-up. I was going to go on a quest to figure out how to bring out my eyes more, look more youthful with color in my pale dull skin, and not look so sad, if that's possible.

So I made a couple trips to Target and Sephora to buy concealers to cover my dark circles, some new eyeshadow and brushes. I went online to order an ionic hair dryer to get that hair salon shine and body that my limp hair needed. (And it was about time that I got a hair dryer at all!) And, of course, I went back to watching numerous YouTube tutorials on applying makeup.

After one week of experimenting with my new makeup products and techniques, I kind of missed my usual washed-out-looking but natural self. Okay, it was my new foundation that did it - it was too yellow and I felt like I had a fake tan or something.

Also, I broke my no-eating-and-reading rule. It's always been one of my favorite things to do, having grown up reading the Los Angeles Times as I ate breakfast, and I just can't give that up.

So things are kind of back to the way they were - however, I'm a couple hundred dollars poorer. Really, though, I am thankful that I decided to change things up. Now when I eat and read, I don't read the whole time I'm eating and just give myself more room to breathe, lift my head like a proper human being professional, and enjoy the food more. Now when I get ready for work, I actually add a bit of eyeliner and concealer, but skip the funky foundation and primer and multiple shades of eyeshadow that take me a half-an-hour to apply. And then there is never too much simplifying in my life -- the less activities and tasks I expect myself to do, the better it is for me right now.

When I revisited this video to write this post, I actually felt less repulsed than I did the first time. I enjoyed watching this video much in the way I enjoy watching an animal eat its food, completely oblivious to the human viewer's judgment of its strange mannerisms. For me, watching an animal eat somehow makes it seem somewhat vulnerable -- you feel slightly sorry for it but also intrigued (maybe because you feel like a lion predator lurking over its unaware prey...who knows.) Also, the weird thing about watching animals is that you are pretty sure that nothing exciting is going to happen, but you still watch to wait for those small surprises -- perhaps some overexuberant chewing, weird postures, pauses...

Anyways, I think I'm a likable animal.

can't wait to see this film

Medicine for Melancholy.
Coming to San Francisco, 3/6.

totally awesome

This President's Day weekend, I hung out with some friends from my ol' Boston days: Jenny, Arny, Kenny, Judy, and Melissa. We spent the day dodging the rain and hiking in Big Sur. After a long day, we headed back to Kenny's spacious townhouse and cooked dinner and vegged out on the floor after dinner.

Me: Man, I feel so dead right now. I want to take a shower but can't get up. I'm just going to fall asleep here.

Arny: Well, before you do, there's something I want to show you guys.

(The girls look at each other nervously.)

Me: Whaaaat--?

Arny: Kenny and I have something for you guys. Just wait right here while Kenny and I take care of stuff upstairs.

(Arny goes up the stairs).

Judy: Oh my gosh...

Jenny: Are they going to sing?

Me: Or do a dance?

(Melissa mutters warily.)

(I start doing that weird hyper giggling/squealing that you do when you're about to enter a haunted house, but you're excited, too.)

Finally, Arny peeped his head out and said they were ready....

The girls: OH my gosh...

Here is what happened when we got to Kenny's room.



It's Valentines Day
and who really gives a crap (gives a crap)
'bout a fake holiday
that just makes you feel like... crap

We know that thirty's round the bend (ooooh-ooooh)
Our twenties are almost at an end (ooooh-ooooh)
But you still got time to find the man you're looking for (awwwww!)

You don't need a heart-shaped box
Or a card that says "Hallmark" on the back
to know that each of you really rocks (really ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-ocks)
Well, V-day is just really whack

But yooooooou are totally awesome (TOTALLY AWESOME!!)
There are dudes who are just that into--
Yooooooou are totally awesome (SO FRICKIN' AWESOME!!)

Happy Vaaaaalentines Day!

(You're really hot!)

(c) Arnold Kim, 2009

Yeah, I still get emotional when I watch this. It was such a wonderful gift from these two great friends of mine, and I can't help but share this song with everyone. Valentine's Day up until that day was an afterthought -- I, like most of our group, actually liked not having the pressure of celebrating v-day with a significant other and having to get gifts and such. And I have been "out" of a relationship long enough to not miss it. Ironically, Arny and Kenny took it upon themselves to plan a v-day gift for us girls. Not only did they write and sing a song for us, but Kenny baked heart-shaped gingerbread cookies while Arny bought some fancy chocolate truffles from Berkeley's Gourmet Ghetto. Here we are with our gift bags.



Anyways, in the spirit of this song, just wanted to tell you all that you are totally awesome, every day -- and who needs a friggin' holiday to validate you only once a year? Thank you, Arny and Kenny for the reminder.

sad deaths in berkeley

Yay! It's Sunday morning, and I am free as a bird and am craving some good yoga to close off my stressful last few weeks and to start off my week with. I go online to check the Sunday schedule at my favorite yoga studio, hyp, only to find that it closed down around the holidays in December, due to the economic downturn. Aw man.

So, I look up the schedule for another yoga studio in Berkeley and find one that I've passed by before, that has a class at the time I was hoping for. I drive over there, and it's a large room that's packed with people. Uh, no thanks - don't feel like paying $16 to get stressed out as I'm trying to position myself in various poses, crammed against other people, and neglected by the instructor.

So, I walk out and notice Elephant Pharmacy across the street. "Oh, this is the place where my friend has suggested we go to buy natural and environmentally-friendly make-up!" We never had a chance to go together and I never made the trip to go out before on my own, but since it was right there, I decided to walk on over. I get to the door. It looks closed, but the hours say 9am-8pm... And then I see the flyers.

"Elephant Pharmacy filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy on February 3, 2009." That was just five days ago!

"It has been a special 6 years..."

Oh, this is just too sad.

spend five minutes with me

What is this video about? It's about a lot of things, many of which I can't figure out, and am using this video as a tool to learn something about myself...and to just have fun with video. How I've missed doing this stuff!

The first bud of inspiration came from my bible study ("freeform") group on Psalms when the facilitator asked us "What do you do or how do you think God speaks to you?" A young woman in my group responded, "I know it sounds weird, but I look in the mirror." She then went on to explain that she could feel beautiful one moment, and disgusting in another, but somehow looking at the mirror grounded her and reminded her of God's view of her.

I liked her response. And it led me to want to observe myself. I hadn't been feeling too good about myself, and a thought occurred to me - what would I look like if I looked at myself from an external lens and not the internal, self-critical lens? Perhaps viewing myself through video could enable me to view myself the way others do...the mirror was still too subjective for me, but a video of myself seemed more detached and objective.

So for a week, I chronicled myself for at least five minutes every day (it usually turned out being more because I would forget about it) - without any agenda or script, but just being my mundane self. It was a bit enlightening, a little amusing, mostly boring, but oddly soothing. I won't share the details of what I've learned - that's for me only. But, I may share more clips later.

Also, I really missed being here in the last part of January. I was working some late nights and weekends in the office, and I felt a little lonely and disconnected from people. I really wanted to post this video earlier and feel connected in some way for a couple of minutes...but haven't had a chance to until now.

For those of you who need some comic relief from my oh-so-serious-"I'm being an artist" moment -- and i'm thoroughly enjoying it -- check this out.

*Oh, and I'm looking at condos in this clip.

confessions of a shopaholic?

It's great to be back. It's taken a while to get adjusted back to a normal sleeping cycle and doing work again, but I just love being able to drive in my car, enjoy my pretty neighborhood and friendly neighbors, and be alone in my apartment. And last week I indulged myself in some shopping at Bay Street Mall. Originally I was only supposed to go to Pottery Barn and IKEA to buy some heavy drapes for my freezing apartment; but I allowed myself to look around the shoe and clothing stores, too, usually a no-no for me ("I'm above caring about what I look like"). With retail being in the sorry state it's in, I suddenly felt emboldened to look in every store, even ones that I didn't want to admit to being interested in. I wanted to take advantage of the bargains, of course, but this indulgence was really my twisted reward for being so thrifty over the years, and I acted as if I had a duty and special privilege to spend money since I could and many people couldn't anymore.

I went inside Steve Madden (been wanting a pair of high boots, but waiting out for "the one"), H&M, Victoria's Secret (bra-shopping is really as fun as jean-shopping, but that night I was going to make a good faith effort...oh, just kidding - I'm too tired tonight...), and even Abercrombie & Fitch, which I always vowed I would never support ever since that discrimination lawsuit initiated by its Asian and Latino employees...but that's settled now. And it was a ghost town in there. Wow, this whole retail downturn is for real.

So, what did I buy? I bought a warm long blue cardigan from A&F. It makes me feel like a Mr. Rogers hipster. I was so excited by its halved price that I got over my guilt of shopping there. At Sephora, I bought an eyebrow comb and clear eyebrow gel. Shopping has an interesting effect on me. It pushes me to get over my pride of hiding the fact that I obsess over minute details of how I look and that I don't have to torture myself anymore by ignoring the plethora of tantalizing solutions - like eyebrow gel. "I've been wanting to get this!" I acknowledge. "This is a worthwhile investment in making me feel good about myself...so I'm going to get it, dang it!" (And just so you know, overly exuberant and uncooperative eyebrows do really run in my family, as you can see from this picture of my grandfather whom I recently saw in Taiwan. Here we are consuming ice cream after a huge meal, which we later fed to some fish because we couldn't finish it.)

Browsing at products with such slashed-down prices was also an exercise that confirmed what I already suspected. Trash is trash, no matter how little you're paying for it. I was happy that I did not succumb to buying any crap on this last shopping spree (yes, buying three make-up/clothes stuff is a shopping spree...because don't forget that I bought some curtains that night, too!).

*pat on the back*

But if I can be frank, this experience has taught me that on some occasions, it actually feels nice to be a normal oblivious consumer than the elitist snob who refuses to buy anything, that I've been. It really chokes me up thinking about the cool products I would have missed out on if I continued my ways all the time. Seriously.

happy new year!

I've been traveling the world...actually just Hong Kong and Taiwan for the holidays and am still processing it all. In the meantime, here's a little global-themed cheer for the ladies.

(I couldn't decide which version of this Flight of the Conchords gem to post up but ended up picking this "Three's Company"-ish video. However, I think the live performance in Australia is slightly more fun for the ear. Which do you like better?)