Last Monday, Stanley and I saw Black Kids and Mates of State at The Independent in San Francisco.
I wasn't really familiar with Mates of State, but thought the wife-husband duo was really sharp and each partner so in tune with the other with the rhythm and delivery of their songs.
What was really a treat was watching Black Kids sing and dance live. The girls were awesome in their shout-singing and rocking out. And the lead singer, just as I had hoped, made me swoon from his interesting intonated speaking -- "What did you think of Judgement Day [the opening act]? They're from here, right? Suh-poooooorrt thehhhhmm*" -- and of course, from his weird dancing moves where he puts his hands up to his head and can't quite seem to hold his head up when he occasionally separates his arms from his armpits or sides. It's kind of Madonna-esque, like he's holding in something and needs to release it, but won't, and I find it kind of sexy. (Don't laugh!)
You can see what I mean from their official video, "Look At Me (When I Rock Wichoo)."
Here is another video to check out: "I'm Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You" (the closing song for their act that night -- it was sooo good!).
* = "Support them." ** = "positive experience" is a phrase coined by Michael Dausch circa February/March 2009 to describe an intensely pleasurable experience.
Here is a holiday where you are supposed to be so overwhelmed by joy by the resurrection of Jesus Christ that you want to shout and clap your hands in gospel-music fashion and proclaim to the world, "He has risen indeed, Alleluia!"
Everyone is dressed in their Sunday best. Although it's usually too cold for it, girls will wear the pretty but unflattering floral print skirt, exposing their pale legs without tights, and pretty sandals, only to be imposed on by an incongruously heavier jacket (like a denim jacket or hoodie) covering the pretty solid color top that goes with the skirt.
The church service is a little different than usual. The stage will now house multiple flower pots with daffodils or cali lillies. The sermon will become more self-aware that the message will apply to both the non-believing guests who were invited by family members or friends and the established believers. The service will also run longer since there will be an Easter baptism, in addition to communion.
This Easter,
I woke up feeling a little depressed and not cheerful at all. The last couple of days I had been upset by a relationship that no longer seemed sustaining. And in general, it has been increasingly harder to ignore the gnawing ache in my soul from feeling like I am not living out my purpose on this earth, even though I do not know and am too afraid to find out what that purpose is.
As I got dressed for church service, I initially put on a respectable pink shirt with my best jeans -- I don't have any pretty floral skirts -- but decided against it.
If I am to celebrate Jesus' resurrection, I want to be myself. Since when did we have to make celebrating Jesus' being with us, so formal? So, I changed into one of my "Holy Spirit" screened tees and my more comfortable rugged jeans instead of my best (tight) jeans.
I didn't bring any non-Christian guests to the service.
I came to the service
alone,
hungry
for Jesus' touch on my life because I so desperately need it
from Him,
not from people's happy mood-clapping, pretty attire, a pretty stage, or a self-deprecatory sermon...
or at least three of us are. Judy and Emily are married and have adopted their husbands' names and relinquished their Chen status. You would think that my being the last of the Chen daughters would make my parents regard my carrying the Chen name in a more elevated light, like as if I were the the last of a dying rare species... No, not really.
Before that picture was taken, we celebrated Daddy's and Judy's birthdays.
Pink guava cake.
A Cantonese cuisine dinner in Milpitas.
Before dinner, my parents and Judy and Fred and CalebMicahAbbyElliott and myself hung out at the lovely Hakone Garden in Saratoga where there also happened to be a wedding that day.
Before that, I had a little adventure at the California Native Plant Sale at Hidden Villa in Los Altos. (Absolutely gorgeous.) I was supposed to meet Judy and the gang there, but they didn't make it, so I was there on my own. Tried to call Judy to see what plants she wanted for her yard - that was the purpose of the excursion in the first place, but I didn't have any phone reception...doh. So I did my best, asking the nice guides what they recommended for a partially shaded backyard that was flat and apparently, "abusive" to California native plants (native plants don't need water during the summer; thus, they're better suited for sloped landscapes where any extra water can run downhill), according to one volunteer. I went with a toyone shrub, a.k.a. "hollywood," and an achillea perennial. I was told that both plants were tough enough to withstand any terrain. Hope it all turns out okay.
Continuing on my "dating myself" theme, I really had a good time on this little adventure. Admired some chickens on the farm, took in the hills, and enjoyed listening to jazz music in my Honda Fit as the road gently curved, framed by the trees, and accompanied by a bicyclist. There's something about listening to jazz music in beautiful scenery that makes me feel so happy and...privileged.
Scenario in my head before arriving to the nursery -
Girlfriend Carolyn: Judy just left a message saying she and the rest of them can't make it to the nursery...should we still go?
Boyfriend Carolyn: Sure. Do you want to go?
Girlfriend Carolyn: Yes...but what about all this driving? Would you rather just go straight to Hakone Gardens and save the gas..?
Boyfriend Carolyn: It's fine. Let's go to the nursery first, you wanted to see what it was like -- it'll be fun.
Girlfriend Carolyn: Okay. (thinking to herself, 'oh, how sweet!')
On a final note --
I've been feeling "tragically" blessed (as my brother-in-law Fred put it) the last few weekends. The weekend before this last one, I went to Napa for the first time since moving to the Bay Area, with my friends Jenny, Judy, and Natalie. It was wonderful.
IHTFP. ("I Have Truly Found Paradise." My fellow Beavers will understand; the Bay Area, the South Bay especially, is an extension of the 'Tute anyways).
Today at work, I opened up my Windows Media player and found that all my saved music on my C drive was gone and then remembered that I got a new CPU installed for my workstation. Desperate for some music to break up the deadening silence in my office, I searched through my Gmail accounts for e-mails with mp3's.
In doing so, I stumbled upon some old e-mails between myself and my boyfriend at the time. At first, I purposely searched for e-mails from my ex, knowing that he had sent me a couple of songs, but what was unexpected was getting glimpses of affectionate exchanges between him and myself. While scrolling through the e-mails, I saw the phrase, "hey cutie," and started getting goosebumps and wanted to barf. Also, I assumed that it was him calling me that, but, uh, no...it was actually me calling him that. Really? Oh man...*blush*
Here's another e-mail that made me blush at first from embarrassment, but kind of gave me a smile, just remembering the unabashed cheesiness and abandonment with which my ex wrote and interacted with people.
--- new music 1: hot thang
here's one song, from Talib Kweli--a brilliant lyracist. arjun thought the words were, "you gotta suck my life," but eugene corrected him, pointing out that the refrain is, "you got sumthin' i like."
carolyn, you got something i like, [his name]
-- Another "fun" thing about remembering ex-es is remembering their music tastes. Most of the other guys I had dated were more indie rock types. This last one was anti-hipster, -indie music, which I always respected but also found amusing. One ex did ruin some songs for me, but I'm happy to say that this one didn't ruin this song for me.
Not to sound cliched, but I just find it funny how in the early stages of a relationship, you and the person you're dating do these ridiculous, incriminating things that you normally wouldn't do like write mini-odes to each other; start calling each other pet names that you'd never thought you'd hear yourself using; and start making premature plans for the future... And then *poof,* you find out you're not compatible, or one person doesn't think it's going to work anymore, and they're totally out of your life.
I've been thinking about some of my past relationships lately and have noticed somewhat of a pattern. In all but one relationship, I was broken up with. I'm not sharing this to win pity points from you all. To me, it's always been a testament to the fickleness of mutual attraction. The boy goes after the girl really hard, he gets her, then he dumps her. The End. I always believed that once the then-boyfriend got to know me, it depressed him how much work it required to deal with my neuroses and he wanted to escape while he could. In some other cases, I think the person realized that I wasn't that into him but was open to trying things out anyway, and then he decided to end it.
Now, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm done with "just going with the flow" and will painstakingly dissect and try to understand what's going on with the guy and myself before I jump into anything and start doing stupid romantic baby-talk with him. Despite my parents' and co-workers' consistent questioning (in the case of my parents, begging), I'm not looking forward to entering a relationship anytime soon, although I certainly want to be in a happy relationship one day.
Maybe I believe that at the end of the day, you're always going to be disappointed with the other person. While I will make the most of it and will stick it through, I will be at the mercy of the other party who may end it for whatever reason. I guess I'm not ready to go through such beatings again and I like dating myself more than anyone else.
I've been talking to a number of guy friends lately who've confided in me that they felt bad about breaking up with their ex-girlfriends and just hoped that she was okay now. I've wanted to tell them that I've been in the same position as their ex-girlfriends and can confidently say that it probably hurt her a lot when she was broken up with; but man, after how many years now, I'm sure she's fine. I don't know how, but God has gifted me and many women a great ability to move on and find happiness and joy elsewhere. Yes, once in a while I'll run into an e-mail or song that reminds of me an ex, but every time, after some thought, I always think to myself, "Thank God he broke up with me; I probably wouldn't have...and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now."
My friend Mike is a funny guy. I can't stop watching this. (His friend Tim is also hilarious.)
For a while, I've been wanting to write about Mike and his influence on me, especially blogging-wise, friend-wise, and music-wise; but didn't know how to do him justice. Anyways, the gist of the story is that I basically started blogging because of Mike's blog, Shaking Words, which you should check out if you haven't already.
You could say that besides being a funny guy, Mike is a critical thinker, jock, Apophatic Catholic, foodie, loyal friend, faithful supporter, lover of China, lover of Richard Rohr, a talented songwriter/musician (he's got an album out there, accessible on iTunes called "Who?") and my first blogging coach and cheerleader...but that's just a sampling of the many flavors of Mike Dausch.
A while back, I shared with you all that I was going to use video to examine myself. Apparently, some other people like my idea -- check out this post of a friend of a friend -- The Permanent New Girl. Her blog provides a raw look at what it's like to be a smart, single, funny 20-something woman in NYC and the joys, trials, and tribulations of being too hot for your own good.
I, on the other hand, am a different kind of woman.
The last time I posted up a video, I was reluctant to share with you all what I learned about myself. Well, I'll share a secret with you all -- after watching that boring video of myself staring intently at the computer screen, one thing I "discovered" about myself is that I'm not as bad-looking as I thought I was. (It's okay if you've come to a different conclusion.) After viewing that video clip the night I took it, I felt a little giddy, believing that I was actually a "good-looking" girl.
So, imagine my deep disappointment, even horror, when I viewed the following video (7 minutes long).
True, it was an extremely busy week, and I was coming home late every night, and the only thing on my mind was eating good food and getting my fill of little pleasures like Fortune magazine, so I could go to bed happy only to wake up early the next day to continue the cycle.
Here are some things that I learned about myself after watching this video clip: (1) I look like a sad and pathetic old woman. (2) I eat in the same terrible posture my dad does when he eats. I always felt sad for him, and now I look just as sad. (3) Why do I eat and read at the same time? I should not multi-task so much and should sit upright! (4) My hair looks awful. (5) Why am I eating with a plastic fork? I never eat with a plastic fork. I'm holding it weird.
As a result of this video, I actually made a conscious decision to be more present in everything I did. I decided that when I ate, I would eat only and savor the flavors and the views around me. When I read a magazine, I would do that only. One night, I came home from work, changed into my comfy home-clothes, and just read a magazine while reclining on my couch. It was the most amazing, relaxing sensation I had felt in a long time. I decided to carry this further by cleaning out extraneous distractions in my life, in general.
Another thing that changed since then is that I decided to start trying to look more attractive, which really meant making my face look better through make-up. Nevermind the fact that this video was recorded after I had taken a shower and that I would have no need to look attractive with make-up. I was going to go on a quest to figure out how to bring out my eyes more, look more youthful with color in my pale dull skin, and not look so sad, if that's possible.
So I made a couple trips to Target and Sephora to buy concealers to cover my dark circles, some new eyeshadow and brushes. I went online to order an ionic hair dryer to get that hair salon shine and body that my limp hair needed. (And it was about time that I got a hair dryer at all!) And, of course, I went back to watching numerous YouTube tutorials on applying makeup.
After one week of experimenting with my new makeup products and techniques, I kind of missed my usual washed-out-looking but natural self. Okay, it was my new foundation that did it - it was too yellow and I felt like I had a fake tan or something.
Also, I broke my no-eating-and-reading rule. It's always been one of my favorite things to do, having grown up reading the Los Angeles Times as I ate breakfast, and I just can't give that up.
So things are kind of back to the way they were - however, I'm a couple hundred dollars poorer. Really, though, I am thankful that I decided to change things up. Now when I eat and read, I don't read the whole time I'm eating and just give myself more room to breathe, lift my head like a proper human being professional, and enjoy the food more. Now when I get ready for work, I actually add a bit of eyeliner and concealer, but skip the funky foundation and primer and multiple shades of eyeshadow that take me a half-an-hour to apply. And then there is never too much simplifying in my life -- the less activities and tasks I expect myself to do, the better it is for me right now.
When I revisited this video to write this post, I actually felt less repulsed than I did the first time. I enjoyed watching this video much in the way I enjoy watching an animal eat its food, completely oblivious to the human viewer's judgment of its strange mannerisms. For me, watching an animal eat somehow makes it seem somewhat vulnerable -- you feel slightly sorry for it but also intrigued (maybe because you feel like a lion predator lurking over its unaware prey...who knows.) Also, the weird thing about watching animals is that you are pretty sure that nothing exciting is going to happen, but you still watch to wait for those small surprises -- perhaps some overexuberant chewing, weird postures, pauses...
