feeling innocent

Hi.
I missed you. Have you missed me?

Well, lots have been on my mind, and new developments have occurred.

What's been on my mind a lot recently is a certain person with whom I've been quite enamored and have embarked on a "something" with. It's fun and delightful to explore the underbelly of the surfaces of the person that I have known for some time but am getting to know on a deeper level.

Up until recently, I wondered if I could ever be in an angst-free relationship that didn't involve unrequited love, guilt, or whatever dark and heavy element you can name. Now, I am struck by how simple, peaceful, good, and just plain pleasurable this experience has been.

I became more aware of this new outlook of mine when my neighbor asked me the other day if I would play my music for her wedding. When I thought about it, I actually felt like I wanted to write a new song about love for her wedding, and that after so many years of writing sad songs, I was actually inspired to write an uplifting song for once.

I apologize for the gushiness. But I have to confess that I am happy that I can even be that way now. It's as if I've reached a new stage of my life where I don't have to be too cool to think about "those" types of things.

Anyways, that's what's going on with me.

I thought I'd transition to a film review that I've been wanting to share for a while now, but was waiting for the right time. Some of you know that I watched and heard Ang Lee speak at a screening of "Lust, Caution" at this year's SF Asian American International Film Festival and that I really liked it. I thought about this movie again because I went to a theater performance this weekend and good performances always get me thinking about other good performances/art. Also, I think this movie portrays an intriguing, unconventional, complicated love story -- one that is a huge contrast from what I just described what was going in my life right now, but is still a story of human connection and one that I think is interesting to revisit.








(*mild spoilers*)


First of all, I don't think this movie should have gotten the less than stellar reviews that it received. I thought it was a masterpiece. (My dad, who calls every so-called Oscar-worthy movie "interesting," actually came up with a different adjective for this film by calling it "powerful" - which says a lot.)

I simply couldn't get over this story of a lonely young woman's search for meaning and finding it in patriotism for her country and ideals, but in doing so, sacrificing herself. Here, the protagonist Wong Chia Chi (played by the amazing Tang Wei) is abandoned by her family in war-time China and decides to become a spy for the Chinese Nationalist resistance, propelled by the actions of her college comrades, who are her only family. In doing so, she becomes the mistress of Mr. Yee (played by Tony Leung), an interrogator of spies. How this relationship transforms is what is gripping about this movie. The movie is rich in so many other ways, too, like how Ang Lee masterfully portrays the loss of a girl's innocence, not so much sexual innocence, but the innocence of having a loving family and living in a world without war.


Also, the film compelled me to ponder the relational power of sex. Unlike most movies, the sexual progression of the main characters here helped tell the story, as opposed to sex being a culmination of a relationship or an obligatory element of a movie. (You may argue that Lee's better known movie, "Brokeback Mountain" used sex similarly as a storytelling tool. I would disagree -- in that movie, the sex was the story. Not so in "Lust, Caution.") One striking comment of Ang Lee, among others, was his discussion of how the protagonist, Wong Chia Chi, tried to avoid the gaze of the enemy, Mr. Yee, when having sex, while he persistently tried to look at her and look at her reactions. Being lied to every day in his official capacity as a government interrogator of spies, Mr. Yee, sought to see Wong Chai Chi's reactions, seeing that as probably being the one thing in his life that could not lie to him. "The body does not lie," said Ang Lee, yet acknowledging that "One of the most profound questions in life is 'Can I make her come?'" and if she does, is it for real?

Normally such talk would make me shift uncomfortably in my seat, but maybe because it was Ang Lee speaking and because he has that filmmaker mastery of presenting an idea to you without any judgment (and probably because I idolize him), I could appreciate Lee's journey of exploring these questions, which he struggled with ("weeped" during shooting of the love scenes, according to him) and transcribed into a film that others could partake in the depth of his journey.

Lastly, the score from this film is haunting and beautiful, and I found myself playing it all the time in my head or on the keys after hearing it for the first time...

My "review" doesn't really do the film justice. In any case, if you want to see a beautiful movie from start to finish that will move you, I recommend this one.

should i join

A couple of weeks ago, I was about to go for a run but saw that I missed Mike's call and decided to listen to his message as I had a before-running snack of tortilla chips and avocado (yeah, probably not the best idea).

I munched and listened to the message.

Afterwards:
O-kaaay. "Hm."

I played it again and started moving to it as I munched some more.

dausch chirp song from Carolyn Chen on Vimeo.

Third time, I was doing hip hop moves in my kitchen.
"Yeah, YEAH, this is TIGHT!"


I've usually hesitated from joining Twitter for fear that I'd spend too much time trying to think of cool "tweets" to share with my "followers."
However, as of late, I've already been going on Facebook religiously (mainly to check on who accepted the invitation to my May 9 gig) and as a side effect, I've updated my Facebook status message pretty consistently. (I haven't dropped the habit, although the gig's over...)
Also, it IS hard to blog regularly. So with Twitter, I could "talk" to you more often, and then you wouldn't have to wait weeks, but only hours, even minutes, for deep thoughts, by Carolyn Chen. (And you'd probably get less deep thoughts, too.)

But is that what you want?
Is that what I want?

Even if I joined, I would still not "tweet" during work hours although a big portion of my day is spent at work. I've decided to never go on social networking sites during work hours, which is probably a good thing -- work can be kind of annoying, and there's no need to bring you into that world ("If I see another attorneys' fees request, I'm going to gag," but there could also be the potential for cool tweets like "OMG- just saw Erwin Chemerinsky in the Court of Appeals!").

Regardless, I could still tweet during off-hours -- which is still a lot of time in a day for Carolyn exposure.

Could we all handle that?

I don't know if I can even handle writing about it on this blog post, ughhh...

But I am open.
And as Mike says, it may just be a matter of time.

Susan B., if you're reading this, I miss you. When are you going to grace us with your presence on The Permanent New Girl?

*photo credits:
Birds: eh, I don't remember...from Google images
New York Times Square: Mike Dausch's photography
Macy's underwear model: Susan Buchanan's flickr stream for her blog post.

working hard

I'm a little crazed these days, but it's all good.

Been thinking about good music.
Here are some inspirations:

• Susie Suh (I wish I could make a music video featuring HER, for her song, "Light on My Shoulder"; I'm going to try to catch an LA show of hers in June).

• Imogen Heap (I'm always afraid of her at first, but am in so much awe.)

• Vienna Teng (I used to get insulted when people compared me to her because I assumed it was because we were both Asian and played the piano. Now I've gotten over it and watching her again I'm reminded how flawless and angelic her voice is - and how amazing she is on the piano. I could only dream of writing/performing like her...)
  

happy one-week-after-earth-day!

Check out my friend Oliver's piece for FiLife on saving both the environment and your money. I am proud to say that I semi-contributed tips #1 and #5!

Speaking of green -- I just bought a new green shirt yesterday, which I hope to wear for my gig on May 9 (click on "event details"). Actually, just looking at that website, I hope I don't blend in too well...
Anyways, most of my favorite tops are green, and I have a good feeling about this one.

positive experience**

Last Monday, Stanley and I saw Black Kids and Mates of State at The Independent in San Francisco.



I wasn't really familiar with Mates of State, but thought the wife-husband duo was really sharp and each partner so in tune with the other with the rhythm and delivery of their songs.



What was really a treat was watching Black Kids sing and dance live. The girls were awesome in their shout-singing and rocking out. And the lead singer, just as I had hoped, made me swoon from his interesting intonated speaking -- "What did you think of Judgement Day [the opening act]? They're from here, right? Suh-poooooorrt thehhhhmm*" -- and of course, from his weird dancing moves where he puts his hands up to his head and can't quite seem to hold his head up when he occasionally separates his arms from his armpits or sides. It's kind of Madonna-esque, like he's holding in something and needs to release it, but won't, and I find it kind of sexy. (Don't laugh!)

You can see what I mean from their official video, "Look At Me (When I Rock Wichoo)."

Here is another video to check out: "I'm Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You" (the closing song for their act that night -- it was sooo good!).

And more pictures.


* = "Support them."
** = "positive experience" is a phrase coined by Michael Dausch circa February/March 2009 to describe an intensely pleasurable experience.

jeune maman et le bébé

These pictures made me happy today.

Say hello to Kalea Joy. She looks a lot like Emily as a baby...and she's inherited the Chen lips!

Click here for my post on Kalea's cousin Elliott.

being made new

Easter Sunday has always been tricky for me.

Here is a holiday where you are supposed to be so overwhelmed by joy by the resurrection of Jesus Christ that you want to shout and clap your hands in gospel-music fashion and proclaim to the world, "He has risen indeed, Alleluia!"

Everyone is dressed in their Sunday best. Although it's usually too cold for it, girls will wear the pretty but unflattering floral print skirt, exposing their pale legs without tights, and pretty sandals, only to be imposed on by an incongruously heavier jacket (like a denim jacket or hoodie) covering the pretty solid color top that goes with the skirt.

The church service is a little different than usual. The stage will now house multiple flower pots with daffodils or cali lillies. The sermon will become more self-aware that the message will apply to both the non-believing guests who were invited by family members or friends and the established believers. The service will also run longer since there will be an Easter baptism, in addition to communion.


This Easter,

I woke up feeling a little depressed and not cheerful at all. The last couple of days I had been upset by a relationship that no longer seemed sustaining. And in general, it has been increasingly harder to ignore the gnawing ache in my soul from feeling like I am not living out my purpose on this earth, even though I do not know and am too afraid to find out what that purpose is.


As I got dressed for church service, I initially put on a respectable pink shirt with my best jeans -- I don't have any pretty floral skirts -- but decided against it.

If I am to celebrate Jesus' resurrection, I want to be myself. Since when did we have to make celebrating Jesus' being with us, so formal? So, I changed into one of my "Holy Spirit" screened tees and my more comfortable rugged jeans instead of my best (tight) jeans.


I didn't bring any non-Christian guests to the service.


I came to the service

alone,

hungry

for Jesus' touch on my life
because I so desperately need it

from Him,

not from people's happy mood-clapping, pretty attire, a pretty stage, or a self-deprecatory sermon...



I want to be made new.