confessions of a shopaholic?

It's great to be back. It's taken a while to get adjusted back to a normal sleeping cycle and doing work again, but I just love being able to drive in my car, enjoy my pretty neighborhood and friendly neighbors, and be alone in my apartment. And last week I indulged myself in some shopping at Bay Street Mall. Originally I was only supposed to go to Pottery Barn and IKEA to buy some heavy drapes for my freezing apartment; but I allowed myself to look around the shoe and clothing stores, too, usually a no-no for me ("I'm above caring about what I look like"). With retail being in the sorry state it's in, I suddenly felt emboldened to look in every store, even ones that I didn't want to admit to being interested in. I wanted to take advantage of the bargains, of course, but this indulgence was really my twisted reward for being so thrifty over the years, and I acted as if I had a duty and special privilege to spend money since I could and many people couldn't anymore.

I went inside Steve Madden (been wanting a pair of high boots, but waiting out for "the one"), H&M, Victoria's Secret (bra-shopping is really as fun as jean-shopping, but that night I was going to make a good faith effort...oh, just kidding - I'm too tired tonight...), and even Abercrombie & Fitch, which I always vowed I would never support ever since that discrimination lawsuit initiated by its Asian and Latino employees...but that's settled now. And it was a ghost town in there. Wow, this whole retail downturn is for real.

So, what did I buy? I bought a warm long blue cardigan from A&F. It makes me feel like a Mr. Rogers hipster. I was so excited by its halved price that I got over my guilt of shopping there. At Sephora, I bought an eyebrow comb and clear eyebrow gel. Shopping has an interesting effect on me. It pushes me to get over my pride of hiding the fact that I obsess over minute details of how I look and that I don't have to torture myself anymore by ignoring the plethora of tantalizing solutions - like eyebrow gel. "I've been wanting to get this!" I acknowledge. "This is a worthwhile investment in making me feel good about myself...so I'm going to get it, dang it!" (And just so you know, overly exuberant and uncooperative eyebrows do really run in my family, as you can see from this picture of my grandfather whom I recently saw in Taiwan. Here we are consuming ice cream after a huge meal, which we later fed to some fish because we couldn't finish it.)

Browsing at products with such slashed-down prices was also an exercise that confirmed what I already suspected. Trash is trash, no matter how little you're paying for it. I was happy that I did not succumb to buying any crap on this last shopping spree (yes, buying three make-up/clothes stuff is a shopping spree...because don't forget that I bought some curtains that night, too!).

*pat on the back*

But if I can be frank, this experience has taught me that on some occasions, it actually feels nice to be a normal oblivious consumer than the elitist snob who refuses to buy anything, that I've been. It really chokes me up thinking about the cool products I would have missed out on if I continued my ways all the time. Seriously.

happy new year!

I've been traveling the world...actually just Hong Kong and Taiwan for the holidays and am still processing it all. In the meantime, here's a little global-themed cheer for the ladies.

(I couldn't decide which version of this Flight of the Conchords gem to post up but ended up picking this "Three's Company"-ish video. However, I think the live performance in Australia is slightly more fun for the ear. Which do you like better?)

just a little person

I just saw the film, "Synecdoche, New York," written and debut directed by Charlie Kaufman ("Being John Malcovich," "Adaptation," "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind").

I really liked it.

After seeing it, it's been even harder to curb my developing soft spot for Charlie Kaufman over the years. (He's the bright and witty yet charismatically awkward classmate that I am really jealous of, but also have a crush on.) I have often identified myself with Kaufman as a thinker who uses art as a tool for understanding ourselves, re-telling or reframing our past and perception of the world with the elements of culture, personalities, film techniques, drama... except he does a lot better job than me and is kind of a genius.

In "Synecdoche," Kaufman masterfully talks to us about mortality, finding truth and significance in a massive fucked-up world, and working hard at your craft, in a tightly - yet light-handedly - woven collective of life-like characters anchored by the central main character, Caden, a New York suburb regional theater director. I was especially delighted by what I considered Kaufman's signature commentary on the protagonist's self-referencing journey through the dramatic theater process. In the past, I have been slightly annoyed by it, but here, I found it well-developed and enjoyable.

And I love the soundtrack of this film and can't stop playing "Little Person" composed by Jon Brion.

If you're feeling pensive or frail...or just in the mood for something Kaufman-esque, please give this movie a chance.

meet another Carolyn

"He may not answer me when I want him to answer my prayers but...he's always on time..."
- Carolyn

mermaid

i wish
i could live in your ocean
but
i fear i will drown

will you
come with me to the light
and water my life

will the sun shine too brightly?
will you learn to hate me?

i will remember
this place
where kindness broke my heart
how can they say
that you're not real
where here love truly lived

maybe there's
no place
for both of us

maybe you're
the home
that i've been waiting for...
but i can't have.

(c) 2008 Carolyn Chen

* This week, I was determined to record something even if I was sick and it was going to be ghetto. Other recordings can be found at www.myspace.com/notesfromunder.

bjork, here i come...

I'm a little stressed out and grouchy these days from work, people, myself. Perhaps I'm a little disappointed, too, that I recently spent big bucks to go to Asia for vacation when I'd rather go to Iceland. With the way its economy is going, I can actually afford to go now after all those years of fantasizing about it. Maybe next year...? For now, I'll just imagine myself chilling in a hot spring, without a care in the world.

ten year reunion

On my way home from my therapy session tonight, "Ready or Not" by the Fugees began to play on the radio, and I was transported back in time to ten years ago, when I was a 19-year old freshman at MIT. Mind you, the Fugees' "The Score" came out earlier in 1996 - but it wasn't until 1998 that I began to acquire mp3's by my new friends and was able to play the song over and over in my dorm room.

As I sat in my car parked in front of my apartment with just the radio on so I could enjoy the song from start to finish, it just hit me: I've been struggling with my worst bout of depression for ten years...
Ten years ago from today was just before "the" depression began. It all started with a theater audition with my best friend. She didn't get a part in the play, but I did. Since that point, she became more anxious, more angry about everything, and then more abusive towards me...
I never fully got over it.
As I have processed the relationship over the years, I realize now that what hurt the most was not so much what she did, but more what the people around me did - or did not do. Not all of my friends knew what was going on, but some did. No one told me that it was wrong and that I didn't have to take it, that things would be okay if I left her. Not even the counselor I saw at MIT. Not even my women's small group leader. It was only my sister who, after hearing what happened once my freshman year had ended, told me that what that friend did was wrong and I didn't deserve it and that I had to leave the relationship. Things didn't resolve so simply after that, but have mostly resolved now.

Hearing that song in the car reminded me of the person I was ten years ago: A happy-go-lucky girl with a dark streak but who felt excited by life and people. A girl who had no idea that in a matter of weeks, her life would be changed for the rest of her life for the next ten years. I still know that girl, but she's hit a lot of spikes along the way and is still working on getting those wounds healed - but what can you do? The show must go on...

What is this song about anyways? I love it anyhow.